The days after discovering infidelity, hidden pornography use or another painful secret can feel overwhelming. While you don’t need all the answers today, understanding what you’re experiencing can help you feel less alone, validated and informed. These books offer knowledge, hope and a gentle place to begin during this difficult and traumatic time.
Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful, has been living a secret life or behaviours of some description, or has hidden a long-term pornography problem can feel like the ground has disappeared beneath your feet. In an instant, the relationship you thought you knew no longer feels safe, and your mind begins desperately searching for answers. Suddenly, your safe world and safe person feel unsafe, and worse – harmful. Your body, brain and nervous system go into overdrive in a desperate but natural response to feel safe and secure again.
“Whether that support comes from a trusted friend, a therapist, a support group, or a family member, you do not have to carry this experience alone – and you definitely need to prioritise yourself and your unexpected crisis over your partner’s anticipated crisis.”
If this is where you find yourself today, please know that you do not have to figure everything out right now, even this week or this month. What you are likely experiencing is varying degrees of a trauma response to new information, a situation, scenario, or event. Not any trauma; betrayal trauma is a complex trauma response leaving women with common PTSD symptoms. You do not need to decide after an unexpected disclosure or discovery whether to stay or leave in your relationship. You do not need to have every conversation immediately. Right now, your job is simply to steady yourself.
In saying this, some women choose right there on the spot that the marriage or relationship on their side is officially over. This often happens when the extent of the infidelity or betrayal is undeniably catastrophic and conflicts deeply with your personal values and ethics.
If you are wondering exactly what types of situations I am alluding to here, here are some examples: a recurring affair or affairs, a sexual misconduct investigation, visiting sex workers (otherwise known as sexual exploitation of vulnerable younger women), multiple infidelities – online and offline, viewing offending content online, or discovering your loved one gave you an STI and putting your health and welfare at risk.
Helen Thorn, author of the excellent and inspiring two books, Get Divorced, Be Happy and How to Face Big Change and Come Back Stronger, did just that. She describes in detail how she decided to end her marriage the moment she discovered her husband had been having an affair for four years. For some women, it is a swift but equally painful immediate decision.
You might like to read more about why Respite & Recuperation Is Essential For Women After Partner Addiction, Disclosure & Infidelity.
“When trust is shattered, clarity doesn’t arrive overnight. It arrives one small step, one gentle breath, one piece of understanding at a time – and with time.”
One of the most empowering things you can do during these early days, aside from taking lots of personal time and self-care for yourself, is to understand yourself and inform yourself. That is, if your brain can handle extra information right now. Thread softly.
Understanding betrayal trauma, infidelity, compulsive sexual behaviours, and relationship healing won’t erase the pain, but it can help you make sense of what feels impossible to understand. Knowledge can reduce self-blame, quiet some of the overwhelming confusion, and remind you that your reactions are completely understandable. Importantly, it may help you detach yourself from your partner’s unhealthy and hurtful behaviours. Another alternative and sensible option is to connect with a qualified, experienced Psychotherapist who has experience of betrayal trauma, attachment, and relationships to guide and support you through this storm.
Many women tell me they feel as though they are “going crazy” after discovering a betrayal or disclosure. Sometimes, dare I say, often, their partner is telling them they ‘are crazy‘, using gaslighting and stonewalling tactics to deflect and avoid difficult conversations and destroy her sense of self. They can’t sleep. They replay conversations. They search for answers. They become the most incredible detectives and deep dive into the whole relationship history, picking every detail apart, searching for the signs and what they missed. Their nervous system is on constant alert. This is not weakness or craziness – it is often the response of a woman experiencing relational and attachment trauma.
My tip as you deep dive into the world of betrayal trauma is to understand your partner’s attachment style. Take a read of Attached by Amir Levine, which I have added to the second book list below. Your partners destinct attachment style will be an important factor in how you choose to proceed in the longer term. If you identify that, in fact, they have an avoidant attachment style throughout your relationship or have displayed narcissistic or abusive characteristics or traits, I suggest you proceed with tentativeness and with the support of an experienced therapist who has your best interests and mental health in mind.
You do not have to consume every book at once. Choose one that speaks to where you are today. Read a chapter. Highlight a paragraph. Put it down if it feels overwhelming. Come back tomorrow. Personally, I find Audible is an excellent way to get through self-help books, as it takes little energy and is so convenient. You can listen while out walking, driving or any time of the day. Also, don’t forget to use your local library for many of these titles to save you money.
A Women’s Guide to Books to Help You Through Betrayal Trauma & Infidelity
The Betrayal Bind – Michelle Mays
The Aftermath of Betrayal – Michelle Mays
Out of The Dog House – Robert Weiss
Beyond Infidelity: The No-Nonsense Guide to Surviving Betrayal and Reclaiming Your Life – Lauren LaRusso
Cheating in a Nutshell – Wayne & Tamara Mitchell
How Can I Ever Trust You Again – Andrew G Marshall
The State of Affairs – Esther Perel
Sex Addiction, The Partners Perspective – Paula Hall
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay – Mira Kirshenbaum
Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life – Tracy Schorn
Some other personal recommendations that are somewhat related, softer and nurturing;
Get Divorced, Be Happy – Helen Thorn
We: A Manifesto for Women Everywhere – Gillian Anderson & Jennifer Nadel
Hold Me Tight – Dr Sue Johnson
Attached – Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
Mating in Captivity – Esther Perel
What to Do When You Feel Broken Dr Laura Williams
Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living by Glennon Doyle
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Meditations for Mortals: A Four Week Guide to Doing What Counts – Oliver Burkeman
The Unexpected Joy of Being Single – Catherine Gray
Some of these books focus specifically on betrayal and infidelity. Others explore trauma, attachment, boundaries, healing, resilience, and reconnecting with yourself. Together, they offer something incredibly valuable you probably need right now – perspective and self-reflection.
Perhaps most importantly, remember that while books can educate and comfort, they are not a substitute for compassionate support. Whether that support comes from a trusted friend, a therapist, a support group, or a family member, you do not have to carry this experience alone – and you definitely need to prioritise yourself and your unexpected crisis over your partner’s anticipated crisis.
You don’t need to know what your future looks like today. You only need to know what your next small step is. Read. Rest. Ask questions. Take breaks from thinking about it. Nourish your body. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling without rushing to make life-changing decisions before your nervous system has had time to settle, recalibrate, and re-co-ordinate.
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