Dating can be nerve-wracking at the best of times. When you add vaginismus, sexual anxiety, or social anxiety into the mix, it can feel like an overwhelming mountain to climb. But here’s the truth that often gets buried under overthinking and self-doubt: you are already enough! Matchmaker Mairead Loughman, owner, podcaster and all-around inspirational woman, joins me in this Vaginismus Blog series and recent Hey Gyno! online group for women in Ireland.
I recently hosted a warm and empowering online event for women in Ireland called “Dating With Vaginismus, Sexual and Social Anxiety: You Are Already Enough”. Special surprise guest to this online event was none other than Mairead Loughman, a professional matchmaker, host of the “Would Like to Meet” podcast, and the founder of Love HQ.
Mairead and I, along with some other special guests, specialist pelvic physiotherapists and twenty-two women, shared stories, laughter, and honest truths about dating with vaginismus.
Mairead is a true advocate for women’s health and jumped at the opportunity to attend my Irish Vaginismus Community social event online, about all things dating with Vaginismus and Vulva Pain conditions. She has matched thousands of couples over the years, and she sure put us straight about dating and how best to date in 2025.
There were heaps of helpful tips and insights. It was hard to narrow it down to just a few. Here are the great tips and outcomes that I think you will find useful to know about dating with vaginimsus and sexual anxiety at any age or stage.
It’s Just Dating—With a Bit More Awareness
Here’s something that might surprise you: dating with vaginismus isn’t all that different from dating without it. The difference is often internal—how we feel about ourselves, how we fear being judged, and how we carry shame or anxiety around our condition. These feelings are valid, but they don’t have to define your dating life.
The truth is, everyone brings something into new relationships—emotional baggage, quirks, health issues, fears. Vaginismus doesn’t make you less lovable or less deserving of connection. It just means you may have to approach dating with a little more intentionality and self-compassion.
Dating Can and Should Be Fun for Everyone
The idea that dating is only for the carefree or the sexually “confident” is a myth. Whether you’re new to dating, returning after a long break, or simply figuring it all out in your own time, dating is for you too, vaginimsus symptoms and all.
It’s okay to feel scared or uncertain. In fact, many women feel anxiety, overwhelm, or even dread at the thought of putting themselves out there. But fear doesn’t have to stop you. As best-selling author Susan Jefferson says: feel the fear and do it anyway.
Straight-talking and empowering, Mairead reminded us that modern dating can be navigated with the right strategies and mindset. It’s not about performing or pleasing—it’s about discovering and connecting. And before you even say it out loud, “I don’t want to waste anyone’s time…”. Your not! I have heard this said in psychosexual therapy dozens of times. Shift the focus to your intentions and goals. Tell yourself, my time is valuable and I am worthy of dating, then jump right in and date in a way that doesn’t waste your time.
You Don’t Need to Disclose Everything Early On
One of the most common concerns among women with vaginismus is: When do I tell a potential partner? How do I explain my symptoms? What if they reject me or tell someone else?
These are deeply personal worries, and it’s okay to carry them. But remember this: you don’t owe anyone your story until you feel safe and ready to share it. You are not hiding something shameful—you are protecting something tender and important.
You get to decide the pace of your disclosure. And if someone pushes too soon, or makes you feel pressured or uncomfortable, that’s a clear sign they may not be the right person for you.
Mairead’s golden advice? “The right person hears you differently.” When someone truly sees you, they won’t be scared off by your honesty—they’ll be honoured by it.
Know What You Want Before You Start Dating
Before jumping into dating apps or meetups, take time to understand what you’re looking for. What kind of partner aligns with your values? What qualities matter most to you?
Dating isn’t about adapting to someone else—it’s about showing up as yourself and seeing who meets you there. That self-awareness is your foundation. Knowing your deal-breakers, your desires, and your emotional boundaries will help you date with clarity and confidence.
Take the Pressure Off: It’s Just Coffee, Not a Contract
One of Mairead’s most refreshing tips was to take the pressure off early dates. Don’t spend weeks texting someone—just meet up casually. Go for a coffee or a walk. Keep it simple. You’re not committing to a relationship—you’re seeing if there’s a spark, a vibe, or even just good conversation.
Early dates don’t need to involve deep, personal disclosures. You don’t need to talk about sex, intimacy, or your condition until you’re ready. It’s perfectly okay to keep things light and friendly at the start.
Keep Dating Out of the Bedroom—For a While
Contrary to what pop culture tells us, building a strong relationship doesn’t begin in the bedroom. In fact, jumping into intimacy too soon can short-circuit emotional connection. Mairead encouraged women to take their time, suggesting that waiting even six to eight dates or more before becoming physically intimate can help foster genuine closeness and safety.
Getting to know someone should include seeing how they interact with others, how they communicate, how they make you feel—not just how quickly they talk about sex.
If your date fixates on sexual topics early on, and it makes you uncomfortable, you are absolutely allowed to say, “I don’t know you well enough yet to talk about that.” You don’t need to explain further. Your comfort matters.
Rejection Isn’t the End—It’s Redirection
Fear of rejection is real, but what if we reframed it? If someone walks away after you open up, that isn’t your failure—it’s their inability to show up with the compassion and maturity you deserve.
Let them go. Let them show you who they really are. The right person won’t flinch. They’ll listen. They’ll care. They’ll stay.
Online Dating? Use It, Don’t Get Stuck In It
Online dating can be a useful tool—but don’t let it replace real-life interaction. Avoid the trap of endless texting. Apps should lead to dates, not pen pals. Meet in person and trust your instincts from there.
Dating offline is where the magic happens—when you can see facial expressions, hear their laugh, and feel their energy.
You Are Already Enough
Ultimately, dating with vaginismus is not about fixing yourself or hiding parts of who you are. It’s about embracing your full self, including the parts you’re still learning to love.
So, prepare if you need to. Make a list of questions or topics to bring up on a date. Practice talking about yourself with pride. Focus on your strengths, your humour, your kindness.
Because you are not too much. You are not a burden.
You are not broken.
You are already enough.
LOTS MORE ARTICLES IN THE VAGINIMSUS SERIES
You Are Enough: A Refreshing Evening of Real Talk on Dating with Vaginismus and Sexual Anxiety
7 Vaginal Dilators to Help Reduce Sexual Pain and Alleviate Frustrating Vaginismus Symptoms
‘This is my passion’, Author Cindy Scharkey on her Permission for Pleasure Book & Podcast
What the Latest Research Tells us About Vaginismus Treatments and Success
25 Ways to Get the Most Out of Starting a Dilator Training Routine
Everything You Need to Know About Your Vaginismus Community Online Group Booking
You might feel alone, but you are not alone in your questions about Vaginismus!
