Out Thursday 10 September: Orlagh Reid joins Jennifer Zamparelli on Just Between Us Podcast
I’m delighted to announce that I was recently invited to join Jennifer Zamparelli on the Just Between Us podcast, the Irish Independent’s sex and relationships podcast, for a conversation about something I encounter regularly in my work as a Clinical Sexology Psychotherapist: how Irish people actually talk about sex, intimacy and their bodies.
The episode, out Thursday 10 September, and I had the pleasure of travelling to the Irish Independent Studios in Dublin to sit down with Jennifer for what turned into a fascinating, funny and surprisingly revealing conversation. If you listen to any of Jennifer’s podcasts or broadcasting, you will already know what a great and natural conversationalist she is.
Irish Independent article… What Irish people are REALLY confessing in sex therapy. Take a listen to this great episode and more on the Irish Independent Podcast Hub.
Because when it comes to sex, Irish people can be very creative with language. Learning to read between the lines and decode metaphors and analogies has become somewhat of a skill in the sex therapy room.
You might like to read…[Straight-talking Sex Talk: Decoding the Sexual Metaphors, Analogies and Humour in the Irish Therapy Room]
Sometimes vague, sometimes creative, sometimes – well confusing.
“Down there”, “front bum” and “my special place”
One of the things we talked about was the language people use when they first come into sex therapy.
I regularly hear words and phrases such as:
“Down there.”
“Downstairs.”
“Front bum.”
“My special place.”
“My mary”
“My bits and pieces.”
“My meat and two veg.”
“In the bedroom.”
“When the lights go out.”
“My waterworks”
And plenty more.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with having your own language for your body or your sexuality. Humour can and does make difficult conversations easier, and metaphors can sometimes help people talk about something that feels too embarrassing, vulnerable or uncomfortable to say directly.
Often language used by adults is in fact that of parents and caregivers at an early age which just stuck and didn’t mature or evolve with age. One thing for sure is that discussing sex and your sexual function, or dysfunction as is often the case in therapy is not always serious conversations. Humour, conversation and laughter can and does happen in sex therapy when appropriate.
But when you are sitting across from a psychotherapist and trying to explain what is happening with your sexual health, desire and functioning sometimes we need to decode what you actually mean. That also becomes part of the therapeutic journey and is a natural part of the process. My role as a therapist is to make the conversation as comfortable and safe as possible, clarifying was is meant and providing anatomically correct terminology when needed.
Because “something happens down there” can mean an awful lot of things.
We don’t always say what we mean
One of the things I find particularly interesting in sexology and psychosexual therapy is how much information can be contained in the language and communication someone uses.
A woman might find it difficult to say vagina, vulva, clitoris, penetration or sex, and instead describe where something happens, what it feels like or what she cannot do.
Men can have their own language around their bodies, erections and sexual performance. I often hear mechanical language, references to machines, mechanics, NCTs, engines and performance, alongside plenty of sporting analogies. Some men think about sexual performance as if it is a performance sport rather than a sexual experience.
Humour can be a useful coping mechanism, but sometimes underneath the joke there can be anxiety, shame, embarrassment or fear. Many men come to therapy to discuss performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction, not a conversation openly had with others.
Why is this happening in Ireland?
Jennifer and I also talked about why Irish people have developed such an indirect, vague and slang language around sex and sexual anatomy, and whether this is changing.
There are significant generational differences.
For some people, particularly those who grew up when conversations about sex were extremely limited, words relating to sexual anatomy could feel forbidden, shameful, evil even. Sex education was often inconsistent, shame based, religious or focused heavily on pro-creation rather than pleasure, relationships, consent, communication, sexual and reproductive functioning and sexual wellbeing.
For others, the language around sex was learned through friends, magazines, television, pornography, jokes, caregivers or simply by picking things up along the way. And that can leave people reaching adulthood knowing surprisingly little about the correct names for their own bodies. It’s not only the language that often does not change, the emotions, thoughts and feelings associated with sex and sexuality can get stuck too,
We can be very comfortable talking about someone’s heart, bowel, breasts, prostate or lungs, yet saying vulva, vagina or penis can suddenly feel like a major event.
When it comes down to it…
When it comes down to it — pardon the pun — we simply don’t have enough opportunities to talk about ourselves as sexual people or to discuss sexual things in a meaningful way.
Irish people love to joke. We love to laugh. We can find huge amounts of humour in sex, sexual function and our bodies. We can even whisper words that feel embarrassing, as though saying them too loudly might somehow make them more real.
But we are not always very good at straight talking about sex. And that is part of the discussion we had together in the Just Between Us Podcast.
We need an attitude change around sex and sexual health. We need more opportunities to have open, age-appropriate and meaningful conversations about our bodies, relationships, intimacy, pleasure and sexual wellbeing. Most importantly, we need to create a more sex-positive attitude for the generations coming behind us, so that conversations about sex and our bodies are not rooted in shame, embarrassment or fear.
Humour can absolutely have a place in that conversation. In fact, I think it is one of the things that makes Irish people very good at beginning difficult conversations. Its also one of the reasons why I enjoy working with clinical sexology.
But perhaps we need to move from the joke to the conversation – when it really counts.
From “down there” to vulva.
From “front bum” to vagina.
From “down below” to foreskin
From talking about whether the “machine or engine” is working to being able to talk openly about erections, sexual function and performance anxiety. And from simply talking about sex as something that happens behind closed doors to recognising that sexual health is part of reproductive health and human sexuality.
In fact, I would go so far as to say that getting comfortable talking about sexual functioning and sexual problems, could be the difference between getting screened and treatment sooner rather than later for potentially serious conditions such as prostate cancer and cervical cancer.
Sex education doesn’t stop when you’re eighteen
This is why I believe we need to think about sex education across the lifespan. Sexual health and intimacy don’t disappear when we leave school or college. Our bodies change. Relationships change. Sexuality can change and evolve. Pregnancy, fertility, menopause, ageing, illness, disability, medication, stress, trauma and mental health can all influence our sexuality and sex lives.
The questions we have at 20 may be very different from the questions we have at 40, 50, 60 or beyond. And sometimes, or rather often, we need to relearn how to talk about our bodies at different stages of life.
What happens when you finally say the word?
For some people, simply being able to use the correct word can be surprisingly powerful.
Vulva.
Vagina.
Penis.
Clitoris.
Erection.
Foreplay.
Penetration.
Orgasm.
These aren’t dirty words. They’re words for bodies, body parts, experiences and aspects of human sexuality and functioning. In therapy, finding language can be part of the process of understanding what is happening and beginning to communicate more clearly. And sometimes, once the laughter and embarrassment have settled, we can finally get to the real conversation.
We talk about the problems people bring into sex therapy
Our conversation wasn’t just about Irish euphemisms our our creative sex talk.
We also talked about some of the common sexual and relationship difficulties that bring men and women into psychosexual therapy, including sexual pain, difficulties with penetration, vaginismus, erectile difficulties, sexual performance anxiety, desire, intimacy, communication and the impact that shame can have on our sexual lives. Because behind many sexual difficulties is a person who has often spent years thinking and worrying:
“Is this normal?”
“Am I the only person this happens to?”
“Why can’t I just do this?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why is my body letting me down?“
And very often, the first step is being able to talk about it without shame.
So, how do Irish people talk about sex?
Well, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we make a joke. Sometimes we call it “down there”.
Sometimes we talk about the mechanics. Sometimes we describe everything except the thing we are actually trying to say. But perhaps the bigger question is: how can we get better at talking about sex?
We don’t need to lose the humour. We don’t need to become clinical or serious every time we talk about our bodies. But we do need to become more comfortable with the words, the conversations and the reality of ourselves as sexual people. Because sexual health is health, and talking about it should not be something we need to whisper about.
During the episode, Zamparelli and Reid decode the unique code words, bizarre riddles, and hidden anxieties that Irish people bring into the therapy room.
- The Reality of Sex Therapy: Reid shares professional insights from her practice regarding what couples and individuals genuinely struggle with behind closed doors.
- Taboos and Intimacy: They break down common Irish cultural reservations surrounding sexual intimacy, shame, and communication.
- Navigating Modern Relationships: The discussion covers practical ways to bridge the gap between what people want to say versus what they actually tell their partners.
- Sexual Dysfunction and Vaginismus: Orlagh discusses conditions such as Vaginismus and eretile dysfuction including who to talk to, what professionals can provide treatment and interventions, pelvic physiotherapy and psychsexual therapy.
Listen from Thursday 10 September
My conversation with Jennifer Zamparelli on Just Between Us is out on Thursday 10 September.
I really enjoyed this conversation, and I hope it opens up some conversations of your own, perhaps without the beers, with your partner, with your friends, with your GP, with your children at an age-appropriate level, or simply in your own head.
And perhaps the next time you hear someone say “down there”, you’ll understand that there may be a whole story sitting behind those two words.
More Podcasts Featuring Orlagh Reid
If you enjoy the conversation with Jennifer Zamparelli, you can also hear me discussing sexology, women’s health, alcohol, anxiety, recovery, relationships and psychotherapy across a range of podcasts. Here are a few places to start: Find out more on the podcasts page;
The DEARG Podcast with Kathleen King – We discuss the psychological impact of endometriosis, pelvic pain, fertility, anxiety, self-care and the role of therapy when living with endometriosis and adenomyosis.
The Endless Spiral with Keith Russell – A two-part conversation exploring anxiety, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, panic attacks, depression, coping strategies, therapy and recovery, drawing on both personal and professional experience.
Where Do I Go From Here? – A serious, honest and humorous conversation about starting psychosexual therapy, what clients bring to sex therapy and why talking openly about sex and sexual wellbeing can still be challenging in Ireland.
The Jessica Cooke Podcast – We explore breaking unhealthy cycles and unwanted alcohol use, including women’s relationship with alcohol and practical steps towards changing behaviours.
No More Booze Podcast with Olivia Farrelly – We unpack “mommy wine culture” and the way alcohol has become normalised as a coping mechanism for mothers dealing with stress, exhaustion and overwhelm.
Full of Beans Podcast with Hannah Hinkinbotham – We explore the relationship between disordered eating, alcohol misuse and recovery, alongside changing attitudes to alcohol, menopause, ADHD and health.
Forbidden Topics – The Porn Paradox – A frank conversation about problem pornography use, the concerns men bring into therapy, recognising when porn use has become problematic and approaching sexual recovery without shame.
WomanUp! Podcast – A conversation about female sexuality, self-intimacy and the importance of becoming more comfortable talking about women’s sexual health and pleasure.
Ireland’s Birth Stories with Cora Gernon – A deeply personal conversation about pregnancy, birth and coming to terms with a newborn disability diagnosis, including the emotional journey of motherhood.
Celebrate Muliebrity with Michelle Lyons – We discuss anxiety, persistent pelvic pain and endometriosis, including the importance of taking a multidisciplinary approach to women’s health and wellbeing.
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