As professionals in the field of sexual wellbeing, we can’t promote body positivity and sexuality education enough – especially for women. In this Vaginismus series blog, I welcome the passionate and enthusiastic guest Olivia Teahan to share her thoughts with us on both topics.
This woman is a confident speaker and advocate for sex education and health promotion at all ages which you can hear for yourself in the recent episode on the Irish-produced Forbidden Topics podcast.
Trends, topics and themes in Irish Society
Not surprisingly we agree on many trends, topics and themes when it comes to female sexuality in Irish society. Ireland has progressed in many ways but with a long road ahead. Young people in school and third level still receive inadequate sexology education. It was not difficult to narrow our article concept down to the common themes which impact women and those with vaginismus-type symptoms. These are the importance of developing body positivity and awareness through education about female sexuality and pleasure.
Women of all ages and stages experience mental blocks, thoughts, beliefs and conditioning which negatively affect the sexual self. Many are completely disconnected from the sexual self. Faulty and negative core beliefs and learnings are often deeply ingrained in the psyche. Unless unearthed and deconstructed they can remain a block to intimacy and acceptance of the truly perfect and fascinating human body. In a recent article, I wrote about this with special guest, Dr McEvoy on her research insights, compassionate practices & understanding Vaginismus as a sociocultural phenomenon.
As a psychosexual therapist supporting and educating women with sexual fear, anxiety even phobia and the various vaginismus symptoms, I have seen and heard many negative core beliefs about sex and the female reproductive body. These are not unique to the vaginismus community!
To be frank, I can say as an Irish woman growing up in the eighties, I and many others developed sex-negative inaccurate thoughts and opinions. Our sex education system, society, culture, religion and shushed, cover-your-eyes-and-ears parenting styles embedded these thoughts deep into our psyches. These are not your own! Take much time to re-learn and re-educate yourself by choosing what you want to feel in this body at this time of your life.
These opinions and notions sound like this…
Sex is disgusting, sex is bad, your body is dirty, women don’t masturbate, sex is for men, don’t touch your vagina, don’t look at your vagina, wanting sex is slutty, your vagina is cursed, periods of ‘the curse’, sex is a marriage duty, sex is painful, pregnancy is shameful, women should be good, your vagina is ungodly, self-touch is evil, don’t look touch or talk about sex if you are a woman etc.
And, my personal favourites, women don’t need sex (we do), the clitoris is a tiny pea shape (it’s not) and orgasms for women are complicated (they arent – it’s basic biology).
It is no wonder women and those born with a vagina struggle with sexual intimacy and self-acceptance.
About Olivia Teahan
Olivia Teahan is a Cork-based, Health Promotion Specialist and established Sex Educator and founder of sxslainte.com. Her work supports people of all demographics in Ireland to develop healthier pleasurable connections to our bodies and others’. She has worked at the Cork Sexual Health Centre and hosts her own sexual wellbeing workshops. Olivia has recently joined me as a special guest in the Vaginismus and Co Community joining in our conversations and sharing valuable insights with the online Zoom group.
Olivia, what do you want women to know and believe about sexual pleasure and body positivity?
Sexual pleasure is our birthright. It is a natural, positive aspect of being a human, and of being a woman, that we deserve to experience in a safe, healthy and shame-free way.
Sexual pleasure is our responsibility: It is our responsibility to explore our bodies, turn-ons and favourite sensations. Our bodies are all different, and they change throughout the day, month and lifetime, so it is up to us to fully embrace and understand our own.
Learn to befriend your body: Befriending our bodies in our day-to-day lives can include noticing how we think or speak about our bodies. Question where any negative self-talk commentary comes from. Embrace more conscious (non-sexual) touch and movement, and let yourself notice physical sensations in and on the body, stretching, and movement. Ask for a particular touch with partners, and communicate our own ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to particular touches and sensations. Be open and accepting of other’s ‘no’ and ‘yes’ responses regarding touch from us.
In a recent podcast, you talked about how women naturally have gaps in their education and awareness about sex and sexuality. Tell us more…
I think some people feel pressure to appear as though they do not need more sexual knowledge once they’re adults. Curiosity and humility are great tools for embracing and enjoying our bodies and others. We have a lot to learn from our messy, diverse bodies. Sex is not a tidy, tick-box exercise. It has the potential to be a varied, evolving and lovely mess that we can keep learning from and about throughout our lives, throughout our changing relationships with our bodies and with other people. It is empowering to stay educated about sexual health and wellness.
Women with sexual disorders such as Vaginismus often experience sexual anxiety or stress about sex and penetration. In the last Vaginismus and Co Community group you explained that ‘pleasure ends where pressure begins‘. How can women separate in their minds sexual pleasure and sensuality from sexual performance?
Where do I start? Tailored support through psychosexual therapy, relaxation techniques, somatic support and pelvic floor exercises are useful for many people experiencing performance anxiety. Vaginismus can affect people for different reasons, and the related anxiety regarding sexual performance is an additional pressure that makes it much more distressing.
Pressure to perform can come from many sources – gender roles, self-criticism, fear of disappointing others, peer pressure, influence of porn and other unrealistic depictions of sex.
Our bodies and experiences of pleasure are often warped and objectified to fit neatly into gender roles and the societal expectations of what is ‘sexy’ or ‘womanly’ or ‘manly’. From childhood, many of us are discouraged from having ownership over our bodies, and from seeing our bodies as acceptable just as they are. Women and girls are taught that there is always something to be improved and that once we have ‘achieved’ this improvement – weight loss, hair removal, differently shaped labia, bum, breasts, limbs, belly, increased genital lubrication, the list goes on – we will be allowed to relax in and embrace our bodies. We are socialised to see our bodies as being enough only when they are convenient for others and fit into gender roles – this can contribute to anxiety around sexual performance. It is a trap that distracts us from embracing our natural, evolving form.
The action of penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex is put on a pedestal, and it needs to be taken off! It’s just one way of doing sex, and seeing it as part of a bigger picture of pleasure-filled activity is important if we are to reduce performance anxiety. It puts many of us in a rush to get to this end goal of P in V, distracting us from the pleasure that can be experienced by slowing everything down and embracing each part of the body.
I think when under that pressure for an extended period, it’s important to be counteracting the negative messaging that your brain and body are receiving. This can include positive writing (e.g. notes on your phone, writing in a journal, sticky notes in your room) and verbal (e.g. speaking in the mirror). If you don’t like how your body looks, focus on positive, non-sexual things your body does for you on a day-to-day basis.
If you are struggling to shut out the criticisms – embrace them, interrogate them, and ask them where have they come from, or who have they come from. If that’s all a bit daunting, start by listening to other people’s songs, poems or other media that celebrate bodies and diversity.
Self-pleasure through touch (including full body touch, and genital dilators where helpful) can be important in appreciating your body. Notice any pressuring thoughts you might have about how your body ‘should’ be responding and try to bring your attention back to accepting how your body is feeling or reacting in the moment, and focusing on the areas where you can feel more sensation.
Pleasure thrives when we go slow, listen to our body and notice negative beliefs that may be popping up. Getting used to this approach can be very uncomfortable or can feel like a lot of work. In the beginning, it certainly is a lot of effort, but over time it can become our new norm to embrace pleasure in our daily lives, in whatever way comes naturally. Patience and self-compassion are key here.
Pleasure and orgasms are soothing, a natural biological high. How can women use sexual pleasure in a positive way, alone or with a partner as a way of self-soothing, managing pain or for simple quick stress release?
Sexual pleasure can be important for women in understanding their own bodies and embracing their own joy. This is deeply important in a world where most of us grow up without receiving knowledge from other women or peers about sexual pleasure.
A lot of the ideas we formed as children about adult relationships are through the adult jokes, films, songs and other media that objectify women’s bodies, ignore scientific research on vulvas and female sexual responses and glorify (and expect) male ejaculation.
Embracing our own sexual pleasure is important not only in healing those destructive ideas about what sex and womanhood are, but also in such a fast-paced world it’s good to remember the importance of life’s simple pleasures, whether that’s a 99 in the sun, blasting tunes in the car, or getting out the vibrator and lube for yourself and experiencing pleasure whether it leads to orgasm… or not.
More from Olivia Teahan
Olivia is a special guest in the Vaginismus and Co Community. She hosts her own workshops and co-facilitates workshops with others. Coming over the summer you can book workshops with Olivia such as an afternoon nature retreat, Big Vulva energy and the Vulva celebration on her events page.
Follow Olivia on Instagram/sxslainte
Website: www.sxslainte.com
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