Every new stage, phase and new beginning in life starts with one small step. If you are reading this blog right now, today, it may be because you are seeking help and information about sexual recovery or are concerned about some aspect of your sexual behaviours or pornography use. You may be seeking sexual recovery, sexual healing, sexual wellbeing or all of these combined – or maybe just information to get you started.
The first step is acknowledging that something needs to change and taking personal responsibility – not just thinking about it, but taking practical actions to change. It may not be a recovery process that you need, it may be a gentle path to changing attitudes, behaviours and taking control of this part of your life again.
This blog article is about sexual recovery and seeking help and support for problem porn use. Accepting that you may have a problem is often one of the most difficult parts of beginning sexual recovery. You may have been thinking about seeking help for a long time, wondering who to talk to, where to start, or whether your behaviour is really serious enough to need support.
For many men experiencing problem porn use, compulsive sexual behaviour or unhealthy sexual behaviours, reaching out for professional help can feel daunting. You may also feel confused about what sexual recovery actually involves and whether you need to be ready to stop your behaviours completely before you begin.
You don’t.
The decision to seek help is itself an important first step. Infact seeking help is part of the stages of change in addiction recovery – part of the preperation phase which comes before the action (or abstinence) phase.
“Shame belongs to the addiction. Growth belongs in recovery.”
Understanding your sexual behaviour
Problem pornography use, often referred to as PPU, has become increasingly prevalent for a wide variety of reasons which we won’t get into in this blog. There remains much debate as to whether it is in fact possible to get addicted to pornography. In my experience over the past fifteen years, I strongly believe it is possible. In the same fashion that people can get addicted to social media, gambling, gaming and shopping.
Not alone that, many of my clients self-confess and self-diagnose as being absolutely addicted to pornography with severe cost to relationships, mental health, physical health and much, much more. People engage with pornography and sexual behaviours for many different reasons, and the behaviour may initially appear relatively straightforward.
For some people, pornography began as something to explore or out of curiosity or exposure. It may be a away to express yourself sexually and fulfil an interest in all things sexual and erotic. For others, it may have become a way of managing boredom, loneliness, stress, difficulty sleeping, relationship difficulties or a lack of sexual connection. Over time, however, a behaviour that initially felt habitual and manageable can begin to take over and become a need rather than a want.
Some people may describe their experience as porn addiction, although the terminology used to describe problematic sexual behaviour can vary. What matters therapeutically is understanding what is happening for you, how it developed and what role the behaviour is currently playing in your life.
Sexual recovery is not simply about stopping a behaviour. It involves developing a deeper understanding of yourself, your sexuality, your emotional needs and the patterns that have developed over time. Recovery means restoring health and wellbeing. For some, this will be easy to implement, while for others is may be new to practice self-care, stress management, self-regulation to mention just a few aspects of recovery.
Your first stage of recovery is acknowledgement, assessment and understanding
The initial sessions are an important opportunity to understand the nature of the difficulties you are experiencing.
Together, we explore your sexual history, your behaviours, your habits and patterns, sex-education, and the circumstances in which the process developed. We look at what may trigger or maintain the behaviour and begin to understand your own sexual script. Some men experience early exposure to content disrupting their natural sexual development or may have experienced sexual trauma and abuse or confusing sexual experiences early in life while others develop problems with content over long extended periods of time.
We also consider the wider context of your life.
Problematic sexual behaviour can occur alongside anxiety, depression, trauma, burnout, relationship difficulties, neurodivergence, other addictions or significant periods of stress. Throughout the assessment process, Orlagh will also listen for cues relating to neurodivergence, childhood trauma and other conditions or experiences that can sometimes be present alongside process addictions. It is not uncommon for clients who have transitioned through alcohol, substance or gambling recovery to realise that sex and pornogrpahy have infact also been an underlying problem all along.
This broader understanding is important because sexual behaviour rarely exists in isolation.
Sexual recovery is not simply about abstinence
Unlike some other forms of addiction recovery, sexual recovery does not necessarily involve straightforward sobriety and abstinence.
For many people, the goal is not simply to eliminate a sexual behaviour or set of behaviours. Instead, recovery involves developing healthier sexual characteristics and attitudes, understanding your own values, learning to self-regulate and developing the ability to make conscious choices rather than feeling driven by unwanted behaviours.
We may explore how technology, smartphones, pornography, particular people, places or situations influence your behaviour. We may identify triggers and develop healthier micro-habits and strategies that support you between sessions.
Recovery is a process of learning, practising and changing.
You don’t (and shouldn’t) have to work it out alone
One of the most important parts of beginning sexual recovery is having somewhere safe to talk honestly about what has been happening. In fact, it is crucial that you have a therapist, particularly one experienced in addiction to be able to flag and recognise addictive characteristics so that you can amend and adjust them.
Many people carry significant sexual shame, sometimes from a very young age. You may have never spoken about certain experiences, thoughts or behaviours with anyone, including people who are closest to you. Therapy gives you an opportunity to acknowledge and express these parts of yourself without having to manage everything alone.
Orlagh can help you understand the recovery process, identify appropriate supports and navigate some of the challenges that commonly arise during early recovery. Group support is strongly recommended for most people, providing additional peer connection and community. These groups may include SLAA, SA, Smart Recovery, Recovery Support, or other peer self-help groups which will support your recovery process.
As recovery progresses, there may also come a time when you want or need to talk to a partner, close friend or loved one about what you are experiencing. This can be explored carefully within therapy.
Recovery takes time
There is no quick fix when it comes to sexual recovery and healing which have stages to reach and achieve. One of the most important things Orlagh encourages clients to consider is committing to the recovery process for a minimum of 12 months. This does not necessarily mean attending weekly therapy for an entire year. Rather, it means giving yourself 365 days to establish recovery and develop a deeper understanding of the process.
This gives you time to understand addiction recovery, healing and sexual wellbeing; develop new healthy characteristics and attitudes; strengthen friendships and relationships; and begin to feel better in yourself.
Recovery is rarely linear. There may be slips, lapses, relapses and difficult periods along the way and also periods of growth, self awareness, personal development, trial and error. These experiences can become opportunities for learning rather than reasons to abandon the process.
With commitment and appropriate support, sexual recovery can lead to significant changes in how you understand yourself, your sexuality, your relationships and your life.
Sexual recovery and men’s sexual wellbeing
Orlagh Reid provides confidential sexual health counselling, sexual recovery and men’s sexual wellbeing support for men experiencing problem porn use, compulsive sexual behaviour and unwanted sexual activities.
Orlagh has worked in the area of sexual recovery for more than 15 years and has also facilitated in-person and online men’s groups supporting men who are beginning, establishing and maintaining sexual recovery.
If you are unsure whether counselling is right for you, an initial consultation gives you an opportunity to ask questions, understand how therapy works and talk about where you are currently at.
You don’t need to have everything figured out before you begin.
A confidential and affirmative space
When it comes to psychosexual therapy and sexual recovery, you are invited to talk about almost anything. This may include pornography, sexual behaviours, relationships, intimacy, sexual thoughts, identity, sexuality, relationships or other aspects of your sexual wellbeing.
Orlagh’s practice is LGBTQIA+ affirmative, neurodivergent affirmative and kink aware, providing a confidential and respectful space where you can speak openly without judgement.
Why choose Orlagh Reid for your sexual recovery journey
Orlagh Reid is an IACP Accredited Psychotherapist, Addiction Counsellor and Coach. Her primary Degree in Counselling and Psychotherapy completed heavily focused on addiction and recovery, sexual addiction, sexual abuse and sexual dysfunction. She is trained in both addiction, recovery, sexology and sexual health with over fifteen years professional experience working with men and women in the field of sexual recovery. Orlagh is currently a Masters student in Positive Health Coaching at the Royal College of Surgeons, Dublin, Ireland. She has supported men through their sexual recovery journey for over a decade.
Orlagh regularly talks about the topic of problem pornography use, porn culture and the impact of unhealthy use in Irish media and has contributed to articles on the topic in The Irish Times, Irish Independant and the Sunday Business Post. Take a read of recent articles sexual recovery on the MEDIA page.
If you are ready to being your sexual recovery journey, you can book an initial consultation and start exploring what sexual recovery could look like for you. To book, CLICK HERE and select Sexual Recovery.
In the meantime, you can explore the articles on Orlagh’s website about problem porn use, sexual recovery and men’s sexual wellbeing, as well as listen to some of her podcasts and interviews on sexual recovery and problem pornography use.
Take a listen to Orlagh Reid discussing problem pornography use and sexual recovery on the Forbidden Topics Podcast and iRadio GroupChat Podcast HERE
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