A heartfelt reminder that your dream of becoming a mother and your innate maternal nature are worth believing in. Your fears are valid, your courage is real, and you don’t have to walk this journey alone.
If you have made the decision, or you’re seriously considering the decision to become a mother through IVF without a partner, I want you to know something from the very beginning – you are not alone.
Across Ireland, more women than ever are taking their planned parenthood or rather motherhood, journey into their own hands. Women of all ages and at different stages of life are making what feels like an enormous decision: to pursue motherhood independently.
Whether you describe yourself as a solo parent, single mother, an independent mother by choice, or simply a woman following her heart, this is your journey, and it deserves to be met with support, encouragement, validation and empowerment – rather than judgement (we do live in a very traditional catholic Ireland after all!)
Ireland is a very progressive country within in Europe – but in our real lives, we are so consumed by what our nearest and dearest think, every our neighbours and work colleagues. It is time for us as a society to let go of the outdated and restrictive, often damaging ideas surrounding women who choose to become mothers without a committed partner.
Let’s face it, for centuries, dare I say, thousands of years, women have become mothers without emotionally or physically available fathers anyway and in every conceivable situation and scenario already and have done a damn good job of being a mother, providing for her children’s needs without help; it’s in our DNA.
At the end of the day, if you want a baby and you have the opportunity to make that happen, then you deserve to feel empowered to follow that path. Motherhood doesn’t need to fit one traditional mould to be meaningful, loving or complete – straight, gay or queer.
Can I also let you know, or rather remind you, that there are many women who want a baby and don’t ever want a partner. Yes, shock horror (I’m being sarcastic)! Many liberated and independent women in 2026 don’t actually want or need a partner to feel whole, complete, or whatever version of the fairytale story we have grown up with. That is okay.
“You are not waiting for your life to begin. By choosing motherhood on your own terms, you are already creating the life you’ve been dreaming about.”
Of course, there will be fears. There will be noise. There will be opinions.
Some people will respond with kindness, sensitivity and encouragement. Others may be critical, insensitive or unable to understand your decision. One of the most important things you can do during this time is to ring-fence yourself with the people who genuinely support your journey. Protect your peace. Protect your decision-making process. Not everyone needs to understand your decision, but the people closest to you should respect it – if and when the time comes to let them in on your motherhood journey.
One thing I notice repeatedly as a Fertility Psychotherapist from working with women, gay and straight, who are pursuing fertility treatment and IVF independently is that they often feel alone and disconnected. Many feel they are missing the social, emotional and female support system they deeply need during such a significant life decision followed by the transition. While you are an incredibly capable, strong, resilient, independent woman, carrying so much of this journey alone can sometimes feel isolating. You need support and guidance – at every age and stage.
Every woman’s story is different, with the same desires of motherhood. From never finding a life partner, not waiting around for a soulmate, to choosing to have the second or third baby without a committed partner or simply deciding not to wait for your biological clock to slow down. This is your story, your life, your journey.
The fears these women share in therapy are real, understandable and deeply human. They’ve often spent months or years thinking about what lies ahead.
Some of the questions they ask include:
- How will I cope during pregnancy on my own?
- What happens if I miscarry?
- What if I spend all this money on IVF and come away with no baby?
- What if I can not get pregnant… what if I can get pregnant… what if I have twins?
- What if I become sick or have to stop working?
- What if my child has additional needs?
- Who would care for my child if something happened to me?
- How do I choose guardians?
- What will my parents, grandparents or extended family think?
- What will people in my community say?
- How do I tell my employer I’m pregnant when I don’t have a partner?
- When do I tell people I’m expecting?
- Will I lose my hobbies or independence if I am the sole parent?
- How will I build the support system my child and I will need?
- What happens if I die unexpectedly?
- What if my child is a single child?
- What if I meet a partner and they don’t want a step-child?
- Will I be a good mother? What if it’s too much for me?
- And loudest of all… what if I am making the biggest mistake of my life?
Every one of these fears, concerns and thoughts is valid. Guess what, the fact that you are thinking all these things through is HEALTHY. In fact, you’re having to preempt many things others take for granted, things others have never even bothered to consider – that maybe they should!
In fact, I’d go one step further and say that the fact you are thinking so carefully about these things is a sign of healthy preparation. You’re planning ahead. You’re considering your child’s future. You’re thinking responsibly about the practicalities of parenthood.
Another thing I know about the complexity of going through IVF is that the process, data and information overload itself is really hard to get your head around. I don’t believe our tiny yet fascinating brains are actually capable of processing so much information and decision-making in such a short period of time.
Make space for other powerful and important decision-making human elements. Ask yourself, what does my heart feel about this decision? What does my gut feel about this decision? What does my intuition feel about this decision? What does my soul feel about this decision? What does my nervous system feel about this decision?
What isn’t helpful is allowing fear to take over to the point where it prevents you from moving forward.
As a psychotherapist, one of the things I notice most consistently is that beneath all of these worries lies something even more powerful: an unwavering desire to become a mother.
Time and time again, women tell me, “I’ve always known I wanted children,” or “the one thing I have always been sure of is motherhood.”
That dream didn’t appear overnight. It’s something they’ve carried quietly for years. Many already know, deep down, that they are going to be loving, caring, nurturing mothers.
Sometimes our brains convince us that because we can imagine every possible thing that could go wrong, we should delay making the decision altogether. Damn that analysis paralysis. But that’s simply how the human brain works. It tries to protect us by scanning for danger and imagining worst-case scenarios so that it can be prepared for every eventuality.
It would almost be strange if you weren’t worried.
The important thing is recognising when your mind is living in a future that hasn’t happened yet. Come back to the right here, right now reality.
You may already have imagined your child’s education, their first day at school, their teenage years, where they’ll go to university, who they’ll marry, how many children they’ll have and how much you hope to become a grandmother one day. Our minds naturally race ahead. Dreaming, fantasising, visualising the future – some women more than others.
Instead, try gently bringing yourself back to the present by asking one simple question:
“Is this a problem I need to solve today, or is it something that will unfold naturally as I move through this journey?”
That question alone can help quieten an anxious busy and noisy mind.
The reality is that many of the fears experienced by women choosing solo motherhood are exactly the same fears experienced by couples. Questions like “What if I don’t get pregnant?”, “What if I do?”, “How will we manage financially?” and “How do we prepare?” are common for almost every person, or rather woman, embarking on parenthood. I know, I’m a mother, and believe me, I still don’t have the answers to motherhood or parenthood.
My personal mantra or motto is… ‘I will know as I go’. Meaning that the knowledge, wisdom and answers to motherhood will come about naturally as you move through the days, weeks and months.
You don’t need to solve every challenge today, or even this month.
You only need to take the next step.
“Fear asks you to predict the future. Hope asks you to trust yourself with whatever the future brings.”
One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself throughout this process is a strong support network.
Build your village of women and solo mothers before your baby arrives, even early on in your IVF journey.
Find your tribe of women who understand, accept, support and empower your decision. Surround yourself with people who celebrate your dream rather than question it. Consider joining solo fertility support groups, connecting with other solo mothers by choice, working with a psychotherapist who understands reproductive mental health, or even exploring the support of a doula during pregnancy and birth. Reach out to me at info@orlaghreid.ie or book online, and let’s talk for an hour or two to help air your fears, concerns, hopes and dreams.
Remember, your village doesn’t have to look traditional and will not look traditional – embrace mothers’ diversity. It simply needs to be made up of people who genuinely care about you and your potential future child.
It’s also worth acknowledging everything you already have in place. You are living in a country with access to healthcare, education and opportunities for children to thrive. You’ve likely spent years building your career, creating financial stability and thinking deeply about this decision. You have already demonstrated responsibility, resilience and determination simply by arriving at this point.
As women, we’re often far kinder to others than we are to ourselves. So throughout this journey, I encourage you to extend yourself the same compassion you would offer a close friend.
Trust yourself. Trust the values that brought you here. Trust the love that has been quietly growing inside you for years.
This journey may not always be easy; hell, parenthood and motherhood are messy, noisy and busy. There may be setbacks, disappointments and moments of uncertainty. But there will also be excitement, hope, courage and extraordinary joy.
Once you set your mind to creating the family you’ve always dreamed of, wonderful things can happen. Not because the path is guaranteed to be easy, but because you are choosing to move towards a life that is deeply aligned with your values and your heart.
You don’t need every answer before you begin.
You don’t need to know exactly how every chapter will unfold.
You simply need enough courage to take the next step.
And if you find yourself needing support along the way, please don’t feel you have to carry this journey on your own. Whether it’s leaning on trusted family and friends, finding your tribe, or working with a psychotherapist, allowing yourself to be supported is not a sign of weakness. It’s one of the greatest acts of self-care you can offer both yourself and the child you hope to welcome into your life.
You have already shown incredible courage by allowing yourself to believe that this dream is possible. Now allow yourself to believe that you are capable of living it.
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